Who am I? What am I?
My outsides say I am a boy
My insides say I am a girl
But what am I?
My family says I am a boy
My friends say I am a girl
But what am I?
My body says I am a boy
My brain says I am a girl
But what am I?
My voice says I am a boy
My body language says I am a girl
But what am I?
This question is it what makes me feel sick
Makes me feel bad and confused
So what am I?

I dont want to be who i am but i dont know what too change. 

I wish i could become what i once was… a small,stupid and unknowing child. 
 

What? Who are you?
You just came into my life
But already there is so much you do
You could be my wife
The time we spend feels so fast
Hours go by in seconds
Is it cuz the time is a blast?
This music from all the records
I never want it to end
Even tho you share me 
You are always so kind
And still I am askin the question 
Who is she
And now I have the answer
My world

nothing feels real.  
My existence feels fake. 
Im not sure if im dreaming, if the people around me are real. 
Im perplexed by the simplest things. 
If i stand up black flocks start flickering in my eyes. 
I feel carved out and hollow filled up with a dough made of peoples made up words. 
I want to run away. So far away that nothing can ever reach or hurt me ever again but i know id miss the love i get here where i am. 
Everything is washed out. To brigth or not quite satisfying enough. Too funny or too morbid. Overwhelmingly awesome or downright soulcrushing. 
I feel dead, dead but alive, like a ghost with unfinished business that can not quite lie to rest and gets ripped appart and sown together over and over again. 
Im terrified of trusting because the shadows of my mind whisper to me that no one is really there to listen there just out for the money they get for throwing pills in my mouth and repeating they’re spelling bee of fucking useless 'helpful' coping skills. 
Time drizzles by and i cant tell if its the middle of the nigth or seven in the morning even if the sun glares through the window, leaving me lying there wishing it would lessen its brightness so it wouldn’t feel like the storm in my guts is just a overdramatised bullshit that i should 
'just get over.'

I dont want to leave. I dont want to disappoint. I don't want to be less than the minimum of what is expected from me. But i dont know how. I can't see any path in front of me, curtains of smokey fog distract me from looking into the positive, optimistic box of opportunities that i know i have. Instead i look at the cackling creature pulling me into the black,dark wet abiss wondering if it feels amused by my fearfull, unsure tears. Anything could happen and i would be convinced that i deserve the agony it brings with it. 
I want to get shitfaced drunk just to forget what it feels like to live. I want to smoke until my lungs crumble like ash, put my health on the line until i cough clusters of scarlet blood to get inches away from death, because maybe it would terrify me enough to snap my spinning mind back into place. 

Im playing memorie with my decisions, trying to piece together what i should and shouldn’t do. Trying to satisfy everyone whilst wanting to be my own person. I miss people more than anything even tho ive been talked into beeing better off without them. I want to reach for them, get held, at the same time i want to pour a deciliter of acid down they’re throat for every hurtfull word they’ve ever spoken to me. I feel selfish for talking about what the pages read that spread in my soul. I feel like i pour myself a colossal glass of help without beeing thirsty at all. It feels like trillions of small judmental maggots burry themselves into my insides, searching for tasty blossoming happiness but all they find is a rotting carcass filled with puss and filth. Deep in the inside sits a hopefull glow of love and determination. I figth in frustration to keep the festering creatures from pulling away my last lifeline but it is exhausting, my Muscles ake and im so fucking tired. I dont want to stop figthing. I want to prove to my loved ones and the people i hate, to the ones that didn’t believe in me, that i am stronger and that im worth what awaits me if i climb to the top of the mountain side of terrible memories. Everytime i rest, and gasp for air, and my lungs strain with a painfull stinging sensation i feel the slippery tentacles of the hatefull mosters ,that want to pull me down to feed on my will to get over the wall ive built for myself, ripping on my legs. I shatter myself because im obsessed with the idea of needing to be in enough parts to help everyone and anyone who needs it. I switch my self of in moments i should shine.

I want to scream until my vocal cords rip to pieces, walk until my feet blister, lift until my bones brake but most of all i want all of it to end.

I lay in the gras
Looking in the sky
It is just black
I question my life 
But also want the end
Luckily out of nowhere 
A star appears lightening up the sky
It shines in my face 
Bringing me back from my hole
And with much surprise 
A second star appears
It shines just as bright
It makes me smile and feel warm
I would do anything to protect the stars
They always watch over me
Care for me
And accept me for the mess I am
Those two stars are just the best
I wouldn’t give them away for the world

Emotions are something that is deeply burried inside of me. 
Even my dear loved ones don’t know my emotions.
I hide them. I am scared if them. But they hurt me.
I still wanna have a way to show my emotions. Even if it’s only like a tiny little bit.
Music! Just recently I got a song from one of my loved ones that lets me let out a tiny bit of all that sadness burried deep inside of this shell. 
But whats under this shell is something for a other time.

Oh? You wanna hear it?

So.. What did this body do when the trauma got too much? It created a shell. “Oh yeah I am used to it! It’s fine I can deal with it! Oh yeah you’re right…” Regular defense answers as well as me just not listening and shutting myself off. That were/are my ways of dealing with shit stuff that would literally obliterate my will to live. All the hate I got and still get!! The fucking non acceptance that I got from my family! The fake friends I had  for three full years!! The three times I stood on the roof just wanting to do this fucking last step!! Just end it! No suffering anymore!! Silence!! It’s all I want! Silence and my peace! But as if I ever get that! My family still doesn’t accept me for what I am and how I am! And they still ask why I am not okay?? Is it so bad to finally want the silence? To end it that I finally don’t have to listen anymore? To make a stop this pointless existence? To go from this world so I have my silence?
And yet my shell never cracks. Not once did it open when I didn’t want it to. I can talk about very bad parts of my life with a stone cold face. A lot of people think I have no emotions.
If they only knew how vulnerable and destroyed this little girl is. How fucked it got by society and life itself? How the girl just clinges to every single good thing but still thinks she doesn’t deserve them…
Thank you shell… Without you I would probably not be here…

It never cracks. Yet while writing all of those lines I am an emotional mess that can’t keep her tears back. But do I care? Rn I don’t! It hurts too much to not let them out. Writing all of this down hurts like hell. Living through all this traumas and bad times. All the times I could have said something but I didn’t. And now I seem okay. But am I?
This question is to you.
Am I okay?

A feeling unknown
A feeling that’s great but horrible
It tears me up between two persons
But they are always in my head and heart
I wouldn’t know what to do without this feeling
It is pain but beautiful 
It is called Love
But split it between two people and it can become something magnificent

Us in the room
The lights red
The mirrors reflecting
your scratched back
You grab my neck
and close your hand
I let out a loud moan
and close my eyes
You lean down
and kiss my neck
The hickeys feel great
You lick my ear and neck
The moaning gets louder
And your hips hit me hard
I love the sounds and you the ones I make