Do i just want to be trans? Do I just want to belong somewhere? Am I actually just a random cis girl that wants to fit in? Do I just want the attention?

Am I lying to myself when I say that I’m not really a girl? Am I lying to the world when I say that I’m non-binary?

It’s not like I always feel like a non-binary person. Sometimes I do feel like a girl. But most of the time I don’t. Most of the time I feel like something in between, a feminine person, yes, but not quite a girl. Never a boy but sometimes a girl but mostly none of the above. It’s confusing and it’s stressing me out.

- What am I?

What am I supposed to do

When there’s more than just us two

Fear of you leaving me

I bet one day you will see

That she’s way better

Writing this letter

Being in tears

How many years

Will it take

Until I will break?

Lasst mich sterben, denkt sie sich. Sie will das ganze nicht mehr mitmachen. Nichts gibt ihr mehr Hoffnung in dieser grauen Erde. Alles ist so dunkel, fast so dunkel, wie es in ihrem Kopf ist. Die Erde dreht sich aber sie steht still. Sie steckt fest in einer Gedankenwelt, die nicht ihr gehört, in einer Gedankenwelt, in der sie die Zuschauerin ist und andere alles übernehmen. In einer Welt, in der sie nichts zu sagen, bloss zu gehorchen hat. In einer Welt, in der sie nicht mehr leben will. In einer Welt, in der sie tot sein will.

Das war nicht immer so. Sie kann sich bloss nicht mehr daran erinnern, als es noch nicht so war. Sie kennt es nicht anders, sie kennt nur den Kampf, den sie immer wieder verliert. Sie weiss nicht mehr, wie es ist, leben zu wollen. Sie weiss nicht mehr, wie es ist, nicht sterben zu wollen.

Dann trifft sie auf sie. Sie bringt Licht ins Dunkel. Sie lässt sie ein wenig klarer sehen. Sie lässt sie zeitweise vergessen, wie sehr sie in ihren Gedanken ertrinkt. Sie kommt einfach so in ihr Leben, ohne Vorwarnung, ohne irgendwas. Aber sie ist da. Sie ist immer da. Wenn sie nicht weiss wie weiter, dann geht sie zu ihr. Wenn sie traurig ist, dann geht sie zu ihr. Wenn sie sterben will, dann geht sie zu ihr.

- Sie rettet sie.

A girl

Stole my heart

That makes her a thief

But such a beautiful

Such a wonderful

One

She takes up

All the space

In my head

I don’t want

Her

To leave

I’m afraid

Of hurting her

As I always am

• But I know she’ll stay.

but you have a boyfriend so you have to be straight

but you have a girlfriend so you have to be gay

but you like this boy so how couldn’t you be straight

but you like this girl so how couldn’t you be gay

notice how it’s always the but?

BUT you’re happy with a boy

BUT you’re happy with a girl

BUT you like straight sex

BUT you like gay sex

BUT BUT BUT

you just want to be trendy

you just want to be bi so you’re a part of the community when you’re actually straight

you’ll come out as gay soon either way

you’re cheating

you’re not trustworthy in a relationship

you’ll leave your boyfriend for a girl

being bi doesn’t even exist

you just can’t decide

you’re confused

you’re either straight or gay

it’s just a phase

but since you’re half straight you have more privileges

you can’t know discrimination since you pass as straight

you can’t know you like both when you haven’t been in a relationship with both

you never even kissed a boy

you never even kissed a girl

you never even fucked a boy

you never even fucked a girl

you’re not allowed to have preferences

you have to like both equally

you have to be transphobe

because bi doesn’t include trans

because bi doesn’t include non-binary

because bi doesn’t include everyone

FUCK YES IT DOES

being bi isn’t about not including everyone

being bi isn’t about not being able to decide

being bi isn’t about wanting everyone

being bi isn’t a trend

or a phase

or confusion

or actually being gay

or actually being straight

FOR ME being bi is about loving people

FOR ME being bi is about not caring about gender

but that would be pan they say

but for me being bi is about feeling comfortable with the term

FOR ME BEING BI IS ABOUT LOVING WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT.

Mom, I’m gay.

No, you’re not.

Yes, I am.

You’re too young to know that anyway.

But Mom, I’m in love with a girl.

You don’t even know what love is.

Friend, could you maybe order for me?

Why don’t you do that yourself?

Because it makes me anxious. 

You will have to do it on your own someday.

But at the moment I’m not ready for it.

That’s none of my business, you either order or you don’t eat.

Dad, I’m trans, I’m a boy.

Bullshit, you will always be my little girl.

But I’m not anymore.

Yes, you are, now grow up and put on that dress.

Mom, I’m gay.

Why would you think that?

Because I’m in love with that girl.

It’s probably just a phase, you will grow out of it.

Friend, could you maybe order for me?

What’s the matter with doing it yourself?

It makes me feel anxious.

I won’t always be here to do it for you.

But right now, you are.

Okay, but today will be the last time, you have to grow up.

Dad, I’m trans, I’m a boy.

That’s just a phase.

It’s not, I’m a boy.

It will go over, princess.

Mom, I’m gay.

That’s okay, I support you.

You don’t have a problem with it?

Of course not, why would I?

Because I’m not normal.

Yes, you are. I just want you to be happy.

Friend, could you maybe order for me?

What’s the matter?

It makes me feel anxious.

That’s okay. What do you want to eat?

Dad, I’m trans, I’m a boy.

That’s great news! I always wanted a son.

You’re not mad at me?

No, why would I be?

Because I’m not your little princess anymore.

I love you no matter what. What should I call you?

“What is in your head when you see me”

You ask

Well

When I look at you

I see

The prettiest

Smile

Eyes

The most beautiful

Body

Soul

I can feel

So much love

And I want it

To find its way

Into your

Mind

Heart

So you never

Feel like you’re not

Enough.

When I look at you

I see

The girl

I want to spend my life with.